In jus less den 24 hrs time, i make a few important life decisions... Cried a bucket of tears for the word 'family'.... TIM, seems like we suffer the same thing at the same time... is tat the kind of 'mo qi' tat gd buddy hav? i'm having family problems too... like u, i decided to leave home once i hit 21. I can't stay anymore. Wat Trina been saying is rite, since i'm not happy at home, y not i leave... i always tot of leaving but nv decide it! tot as in nv wish to put it into action. cos i hate to carry the name of un-fillial, thanks god tat i even care if mi and sis get married wat will happen to papa and tat women, y i bother to think of all this?
Now, I dun wish to care. think watever ur wish, not a gd daughter, rather they nv had a daughter like me, up to them to comment and think. coming to such desicion, it takes alot of courage. i used to hold back everything, cos i tot i dun hav a choice, cos i tot i'm not tat inhuman. but now... ever since she doubt my effort, she hurt mi wif her words, things had changed. Money is still everything ba...
After so long since my graduation, i decide my goals. I wanna learn the most i could frm my current job, making plans for future. Taking up degree in Real Estate i a yr time, cos i wanna spend a yr to learn my tenancy stuffs frm my executive. and of cos, i dun wish to shoot without a bullet. To learn means to let go my slacking way of working. meaning i'll be working OT, won't be gng msn during office hr. and i decided to put all into action starting next week onwards. to learn for the first yr and to take up driving in a few mths times, thinking tat it will be a advantage for my future. den a yr time, take my part time degree. Thinking and dreaming is easy. To put tat into action, its take preserverence and support frm surrounding. I try to seek for my determination, gettign support frm my dear fren ard me, my baby, but not my family. To learn frm wkplc, not a problem. but to take the cos, financial problem, where the hell i find money for it, some more i noe its hard to get increment and company sponser is even more difficult. So as ignorant as i am, i jus casually ask my mum, if she were to sponser mi for futher study. Without even asking or listen to my plans, she begin to doubt me. saying that thing as if i'm only 15 yr old. saying tat i hav to really study and not playing ard, stop half way thru', to u ppl it might be normal for a mother to said such a thing. but come on, if she were like to hav faith in mi, but no! the way she say all this is in a harsh tone, the kind of like, 'u can nv make it', the kind of DOUBT! and of cos we always been having communication problem. Arguement arise. she doubt mi, she said tat i lied abt my work, i always go out late, i won't be serious wif my study. come on, the main thing isn't all this rite, the main thing is the money. for jus 100 bucks internet bill she start making noise and not listening, not to mention abt the sum to persude a degree. she can say watever she likes, its forever as hurting, but i can take it... watever she were to say, saying tat i ask for a electronic keyboard and end up not using it. saying tat i always hav alot of program, how to concentrade on study. when i get angry, she said i'm asking stupid qns, if she wanna sponser me, she will definitly do it , if not who paid for my pri and sec sch edu, but come on, now its different, am working ya noe! last time i'm financial dependent of cos i hav no say, now its different. and she try saying tat i'm not serious in work and so on, and doubt tat i'll really take my degree seriously. so i said, if not y do i hav to drag till now, after my grad for so long, den decide to take my degree and bear in mind, am not following any of my fren. and den she commented the worse ever, hurtful thing ' Ur diploma, i din even see the result, the cert b4, i wonder if u really pass ur diploma anot?' oh fuck! big fuck! she doubt me, she doubt my diploma! the cert i spend 3 yrs on it, the cert which makes me miser. i dun like attending grad ceremony, i dun like showing off my result and cert, doesn't means i din complete it. I'm not a genius, i nv score 'A' b4, but neither did i retain, Retake my paper, fail my test and exam, score D and below. but y doubt mi..? i not been serious in sec sch, i been slacking througout my 4 yr studies, struggle to get into express stream, struggle to pass my test and exam, failed my prelim, but still i make it thru' my 'O', i manage to scor a L1R4 of 18 pts, not as great, but to think, someone who actually pass only one subject in her prelim, able to make it thru', its not easy k! i admit i been fooling ard those yrs, but still i manage to finish my sec sch study, get into poly, get into my first choice. but y? i used to be tat way, doesn't means i'll be like tat for the rest of my life. y dun believe me, y doubt mi? those were my childish years, y no one seems to understand... y sentence me to death? not as in i killed someone, its jus not being serious during my childish years, i believe everyone experience tat, but y do i hav the suffer frm this kind of consequences. Its so painful, when ur mother doubt u, the women who gav birth to u. If so, y gif mi a life and make it miser for mi. Ever since i step into working life, i always wish for death cos there r ppl like this ard me... who noes abt it? only trina and tim. To hav get tat kind of comments, its enough to send more den a thousand bucket of tears to my eyes... i cried till my eyes swollen, cried till i suffer bad headache. how am i gng to succeed when my mum dun even support me mentally. i'm always a failure to her! i been toking to ash, i gng to leave him soon, which i hate so much, which i really dun bear to, but i hav no choice. i can't take him wif mi, neither do i able to stay in this kind of family. I'm force to come out wif such desicion. saying much more gd stuffs, doing much more gd things, cooking me much more gd foods doesn't helps anymore. heart had died. i truely understand wat it means by 'cheng xim', to totally given up hopes. as wat they had done to mi, i hav choose to do the same, i had sentence them to death. nth can helps anymore. I’m left with limited choices, to leave the house or leave the world. But seems like heaven thinks I’m too lousy for it and hell dun wan mi, therefore I hav to stay in this pathetic earth. Can Nanny bring me along wif her, I dun wanna stay alive anymore.
I missed Trina a lot, if only she’s ard, she noe wat I wan, wat I need. I missed her a lot a lot. I wan a future, but ppl look down on me. I dun wanna stay as a CSO forever, taking home $1000. I wan a better life, I’m willing to work for it but… no ppl understand. Y r human being born wif a pair of ears but nv wanna listen. I think money is essential for tat women’s need, she dun need me. She hav her daughter, not me.
Trina, No one can listen to me like u do. I really need u so much. :'(