a very personal entry... i wish he could read this but... somehow even if he read it, even if he did feel something, i noe he not gonna do anything... i noe its the end... i noe he's wif her and not wif me... i noe he gonna let me go thru' these.... i noe... but i got to believe and i got to put the words down...
pain... very pain... a massive kind of impact to me... the thinking of you r actually on ur way to heaven and wif a blink of eyes, u found urself in falling into hell, in arms of devil... i'm not ok... very not...
first time in my life ever, i got sleepless nite and i mean it... i'm pysically tired but mentally awake... i spend my nite out wif Belle, with a heavy heart, a sunken soul... afterall god isn't tat bad to me, at least it happen when we jus jus begin, at least it happen when i'm not alone at home, if not i seriously can't imagine how i'll spend my nite...
well, y should the thing happen yesterday nite, y not in the morning, in the day b4, or day b4 we even decide, we even met, we even knew each other... i rmb every words i ever said, i rmb every words u ever told me... i should be the one making the choice... this weekend u should be mine, and am freaking at home heart-broken... i rmb u told me abt having trust in u... i rmb i told u i dun believe in love, love is jus fake hopes... i rmb how u assure me abt love... i rmb i told u not to rush into things, cos we dun really noe each other tat well... i still rmb how u assure me tat its not jus a temperary crush... i still rmb jus alittle too much... ya, u go when she needs u... and u break it when i need u too... i'm a women, i'm not always tat strong... i wonder how u manage to do it, wif a snap of fingers, u forgot watsoever u told and assure me jus becos she needs u agn... i couldn't slp... i'm lying on my bed, wif my eyes close, from 5am to 6 am, am awake, my heart feels heavy, my hearts is still racing fast... i fall aslp at 6+, i awake in less den half an hour... i hav meaningless nitemare tat hunting me somehow, i couldn't slp agn... i fall aslp agn @ 7++, i awake in less den half an hr agn... its 8am in the morning, and am awake, i try to slp, but i heard sound, i jus couldn't fall aslp... i hav a chat wif my ger, and try to slp agn at 2, i awake at 3 and here i am blogging wats in my mind... i feel sick in within my body, no appettite, my stomach feels bloated and i feel jus so sick tat i dun even feel like drinking water... i feel so disgusted wif everything... not craving at all, jus feeling empty... y do i allow myself to go into such situation agn... i hate love... love simply sux!
maybe ya, everyone in this world who knows u, will ask u to go wif her, since we jus begin, since everything has jus started not long ago, since we isn't stable yet... since u still concern so much abt her... since she do still stand a plc in ur heart... but... who can share my bitterness... i'm suffering inside... anyone cares a tot for me? anyone? i'm a women too, i'm in pain too... i'm a human being wif blood and flesh, am not a siant, am not a god... i may not choose to end my life jus for this, but do ur understand? there will be a impact on me... how am i gng to believe in anyone in the future? how am i gng to step into relationship agn
even b4 knowing him, i'm already torn, i already lost trust... y gif mi hopes and thrash it like nobody biz...i finally drop my tears after so long, until i wrote these words and i reflect... ur be fair to them, anyone can be fair to me?
i tot i had found my potential, i'm ready to do as my part... but the choice is not on me now... dissapointed... ya... am very... but other den tat, wat else can i do? when love isn't consider part of my life, part of my aim.... u enter my life, u leave jus like tat... i noe u too are facing a difficult challenge... i noe u gonna let go of us, let go of me... perphaps till now am still wishing for a turn, a turn in this situation... but i noe its the end... i still couldn't let it go... i noe u... u hav chosen her, u will be true to her and only her... and u will be cruel to me... i'll received my death sentence from u... i noe... i noe it too well... i'm not a fighter, i dun noe abt fighting, fighting my fate, fighting wat is arrange for me, fighting for wat i wan... and i know... no use fighting... u r already gone, ur heart is already not wif mi... afterall i'm cursed, cursed since birth, i dun blame u... things happen wif a reason... its not ur fault, its fate... its life, its already arrange b4 i even come to this world... DeSoLo is always DeSoLo, abandoned by fate... life move on i noe... it will recover i noe... but... wound might recover but the scar will always be there... Love, trust, believe is jus too profound for me... i'm fated to lose them for tis life time... Once might be jus coincidence, but when it happen twice in my 20 yr old life, u knew its hinting something... i lost it, my love, my trust, my believe, it dun even exsist in my life... i need a break... i'm TORN....
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Title: Torn
Artist: Natalie Imbruglia
I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn’t be that man that I adored
You don’t seem to know, or seem to care what your heart is for
I don’t know him anymore
There's nothin' where he used to lie
Our conversation has run dry
That's what's goin' on
Nothing’s fine
I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn
So I guess the fortune teller's right
I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins and now I don't care, I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can't touch
I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn
Torn...
There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's goin' on
Nothing's right
I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am ashamed
Bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late
I'm already torn
Torn...
Oh...
Oh yeah, oh yeah...(repeating, fade out)
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DeSoLo Crying her heart out @ 1608hrs / 23rd of July 2006
Tell me how u manage to do all this... gif mi hopes and bring mi back to life, den broke my heart, thrash my dreams in jus so fast... Wat goes ard comes ard, do i seriously deserve all these? do i? can u help mi for the very last time? frozen my heart, numb it... its too hurting... and i hate it... There isn't potential... i chose u and i tot i'm right, i seriously do... but i'm wrong.... Dun ans me, dun pity me, jus hack care me, leave me bleeding....
p.s. i need a break, i need rest, bless me wif a peaceful mind...